by Dr Michele Borba
www.MicheleBorba.com
As soon as my third son was born I became very aware of the so-called “middle kid syndrome.” I read all those birth order books and tuned into those experts comments warning us about “middle children.” Let’s face it, middle kids get a bad rap.
New research a few months ago shows that their elder sibling is smarter (minimum of 3 points IQ) and more favored by their parents with research to support it. Teachers and coaches too often compare the middle child unfairly to their older sibling (“Your older brother read when he was three,” “Your sister could sing in tune,”) and have to endure that icky label: “Oh, you’re the ‘middle’ kid.” And that isn’t enough this is the kid that gets far too many hand-me-downs. If we’re not careful this child can get lost in the shuffle of their own families.
When the Today show asked me to talk about the supposed “middle kid syndrome,” I jumped at the opportunity. I reviewed all the research on middle children, but also asked a number of “ middle” moms and kids (including my own) for their take on the issue. And chime in they did! Here are seven common problems that both researchers warn us of and middle kids complain about from being sandwiched in between. I’ve provided parenting solutions for each hot-button issue.
1. Feel Less Favored. Not only do middle kids pick up on which sibling is the parental favorite, but researchers after watching videos of parent interaction confirm they Sixty-five percent of mothers and 70 percent of dads exhibited a preference for one child–in most cases, the older one. The middle kid pays the price. So, though we may think we treat our kids equally, research shows otherwise. Be honest. Do your eyes light up with the same intensity for each of your children? That’s your test.
2. Overlooked and Skimped on Attention. The first child is always the big deal. The last is “our baby.” The poor middle kid feels overlooked. As a result research says they can become rebellious or our little “people pleasers” to make up for what they feel is the missed attention. Make a big deal over their trophy (even if the eldest has one, too). Jump for joy that you get to go to the Christmas Pageant (again!) Make special time so your middle kid doesn’t feel she’s overlooked. Each child deserves his own special “firsts.”
3. Hate to Be Compared. One of the biggest complaints of middle children is that they say they are always compared to their older sibling. “Your older brother could do that when he was three.” “Your sister liked piano.” No fair! Tell Aunt Harriet to bite her tongue. Your cardinal parenting rule is: Never compare.
4. Hide True Feelings. Middle kids learn to not reveal their feelings. After all, the elder sibling is usually more verbal and gets our ears. So the second child often keeps things to himself. Draw her out. Keep the communication open. Ask how he’s feeling. And make the older one listen to the middle child’s ideas.
5. Tired of Playing Referee. This breed is most often to be the diplomat in the family. They smooth things over and tote the family peace pipe because they hate conflicts and anger. They become fabulous little negotiators and grow up to have wonderful people skills. But right now this kid shouldn’t have to take on the role of United Nations in his home. Watch the middle child’s inclination to always smooth things over, and give in to the elder or younger siblings just to keep the peace. They can be taken advantage of and causes resentment as well as just not being fair.
6. Always Get the Hand Me Downs! Okay, every once in a while is fine. But watch those: “But the coat is perfectly fine.” “Your sister never played with the doll. It’s brand new.”
7. Follow Siblings Footsteps. Let your middle kid march to his own drum and not have to hang onto the coat tails of an older sibling. Tap into your middle’s child true potential and emphasize each child’s unique strengths and true potential. These kids are usually more creative and individualistic. Draw out their natural nature.
Sure, how our kids turn out does have a lot to do with genetics and pre-disposed temperament. But it also has to do with how they are treated by us as well as the experiences they have with their siblings. Let’s tune in a little closer to this now are peacekeepers with great people skills who are not afraid to march to their own drum.
(P.S. As a mom of a middle kid let me assure you, they turn out not only fine, but plain wonderful).
Dr Michele Borba
www.micheleborba.com
